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Posted on Jul 31, 2006 at 07:41 PM

Humor is a wonderful aspect of a person and is a window to the soul. Please share with me your favorite joke. Mine is: A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible". "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine" "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now". "Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really". "What about that eye patch?" "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them dutied in my eye". "You're kidding," said the bartender, "I didn't think you could lose an eye just from a bird doing that in your eye". "It was my first day with the hook." I love that one! Now what's yours??

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Posted on Jan 25, 2007 at 02:25 PM

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor. "Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin." "Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra?. It?s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went." It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!" "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!" "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?" "T?was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I?m sittin? here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!

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Posted on Jan 19, 2007 at 10:47 AM

Here's some more sick medical humor! Stanley and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Stanley suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promply jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Stanley out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. "The bad news is that Stanley, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" I just love it!

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Posted on Jan 15, 2007 at 04:47 PM

I love your jokes! Good for the soul :) I love the jokes about what kids say. Not super original, but they have to make you smile!!! Here's a couple from an email I got today. Thought I would share it. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? (1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10 (2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age) HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? (1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? (1) Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? (1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) (2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? (1) When they're rich. - Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself) HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? (1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8 HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? (1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10 (The boy already understands) :)

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Posted on Jan 04, 2007 at 10:54 AM

My favorite "clean" jokes are these: Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes? A: Fsh. and Q: What did the fish say when he ran into the wall? A: Damn. These are especially fun to tell to drunk people...they'll walk around all night saying "Fshhhhh"! :D Melissa

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Posted on Sep 25, 2006 at 12:57 PM

WARNING>>>>not so much cute. Alittle dirty but I found it really funny (what can I say Vivid imagination)... A buisness man walks into a bar for a drink. He's depressed, overworked & Horney. After a couple of drinks he notices this lovely woman sitting alone & starts wondering about her....After a couple more he gets up the courage to go over & introduce himself. After the intro & more drinks. She confesses that he doesn't need to try so hard. She is a paid companion & for the right price She was his, Alittle taken back but very turned on a price was reached & he takes her to his room. Lights off, Fumbling with cloths, They finally reach the bed & an hr later the guy laying there trying to breath believes he just had the best sex of his life, as he faces her in the dark he says " God if I'd known you were a virgin I'd have given you another $500." which she replies "for that I would have taken my panty hose off".....HA HA HA love that one....

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Posted on Sep 13, 2006 at 01:54 AM

Actual quotes from federal government employee performance evaluations: 1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this employee to breed. 3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be. 4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 5. When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet. 6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 9. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better. 10. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 11. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 12. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier. 14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime. 15. He's been working with glue too much. 16. He would argue with a signpost. 17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room. 18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell. 19. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one. 20. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection. 22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. 23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 24. He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change. 27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 29. One neuron short of a synapse. 30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. 31. Takes him 2 hours to watch "60 minutes". 32. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

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Posted on Sep 06, 2006 at 10:21 PM

I'm loving these! Good one, too, Mart. I love blonde jokes. Here's another: What did the blonde say when she peered into a box of Cheerios? "Ohhh...donut seeds!" Hahaha! Keep laughing, it's like aerobics for the insides.

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Posted on Sep 06, 2006 at 04:01 PM

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it,but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible!" he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it". The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says.. "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

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Posted on Sep 06, 2006 at 03:33 AM

ok...here's another. A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks. "I have anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "What the heck is anal glaucoma?" "I can't see my a** coming into work today!" Hahahahaha! Imfiveten still.

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Posted on Sep 06, 2006 at 01:03 AM

Imfiveten, as much as I would like to share more of my jokes, Im afraid I will be sent to time out for using bad words! Good luck on the quest for cute jokes that can be typed here! Qbob, very cute. I will tell that one for sure! Probably to my ex in-laws!! hehehe

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Posted on Sep 05, 2006 at 05:48 AM

Julie, your last one reminded me of this favorite that many enjoy: What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

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Posted on Sep 05, 2006 at 05:00 AM

These are cute everone. Please keep them coming! I know there are many more out there! I'm curious to find out how humor differs around the world and even within the United States.

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Posted on Sep 05, 2006 at 01:08 AM

A couple of cute ones: "Two peanuts are walking down the street. Know what happened? One of them got assaulted!" "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick" "Know what a snail says while riding on a turtle's back? Wheeee" Ok, juvenile yes, but good for a chuckle.. And my favorite for work. I tell this to my staff every time I am going to be out of the office for more than a day: "Whats the difference between a boss and a bus? Sometimes, you miss your bus" ... then I encourage them to enjoy my time off.. :)

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Posted on Sep 04, 2006 at 03:48 AM

A funny line that came to mind after a friend sent me a questionnaire which included the question "Do you believe in Santa Claus?" Richard Pryor said "No white man's coming into OUR neighborhood after dark!"

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Posted on Sep 04, 2006 at 03:08 AM

Good ones. Thanks for sharing, Here are a few originals.Remember, these are jokes, not serious. What is the new pope's favorite breakfast? EGGS BENEDICT! I have heard that this new pope, is also an avid bird watcher. How can that be? He has to keep watch, on a lot of CARDINALS!

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Posted on Sep 04, 2006 at 12:22 AM

Hey all you blog-browsers, who else has a joke to pass on in the postings?? Come on...I know there are some good ones out there!

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Posted on Aug 14, 2006 at 01:48 AM

Guy goes into a pet shop and likes a parrot he sees. Store owner tells him, "I'll sell him to you, but I have warn you that he curses sometimes. Here's what you do to curb that: when he curses, you toss him into the freezer for a few minutes until he learns his lesson." Guy buys the parrot, takes him home, and sure enough the parrot curses. Guy throws the parrot into the freezer, then pulls him back out after waiting a few minutes. Guy asks the parrot, "Are you going to stop that cursing?" "Y-y-y-es", the parrot stammers as he shivers, "B-b-but I've got to ask you something." "What's that?" Guy asks him. The parrot points at the freezer, saying, "What did the chicken do?"

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Posted on Aug 02, 2006 at 04:23 AM

A couple had been married about 10 years when all of the sudden the woman goes into the bedroom and starts to pack. The man looks at her and asks "Where are you going?". The woman replies "I heard in Vegas I can get $100 for what I give you for free!" The man goes in the closet and gets his suitcase and starts to pack as well. The woman, dumbfounded asks "Where are YOU going?" The man replies "I am going to follow you. I want to see how you live on $300 a year!"

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